The beginning of the end
May 16th 2008 00:23
As the poster says, it will be over soon. But it's a damn spectacular finish.
While at the swim I got short hair girl’s phone number again. It’s one of my tricks, if I resolve not to call, I delete every trace of their number so it’s impossible. Since I can’t call them, the temptation is removed and I don’t think about it so much. It’s one of my tricks for moving on. I’ve also realised that the girls I don’t like, I don’t delete their numbers because I don’t have to. I’m in no danger of calling them and it’s a self-esteem boost to scroll through my numbers and see all the girls names. I do a cheeky little smile and chuckle, remembering the shagging and why it would be a bad idea to call them.
Last post I introduced ‘cobalt girl’. I did a bit of research into the colour blue though because I didn’t like that name, and found a new name. Her eyes were more electric than anything, but the day I met her she was wearing a subtle indigo eye-shadow which made those eyes look amazing. So let’s go with indigo girl. Better name yeah?
Anyway, I called short hair girl Tuesday. After playing it cool I expected a warm reaction. No answer. I texted and later called again. She told me she was back together with him. Crash, bang, bam, ouch. I asked for an explanation. She didn’t have time for one. She again said it was nothing to do with me. I again disagreed. She again told me that I was arrogant and mental. I told her that I was prepared to leave the whole thing as long as she gave me a quick explanation of why she had made this decision after everything she had said.
I waited two days, then called her again. She told me that she just had to get her horse shot and had hit a seagull with her car that she was taking to the vet. While these sound like reasonable excuses and she probably wasn’t lying, I knew if she wanted to find time for me she would’ve.
For days I tried to figure out where I had gone wrong. She continually avoided giving an explanation.
Laying in bed after shagging astro girl again (whoops but awesome fun) I realised that none of it mattered. That calling her or not calling her, giving her space or crowding her, kissing another person in front of her friends and then making a lightening bolt resolution to be a better person didn’t make a damn bit of difference.
For some reason, that made absolutely no logical sense to me, she had decided to get back with the German Tosser and didn’t want to be with me and fuck it hurt like nothing else. It hurt like I had just been punched hard in the stomach, but it lasted for days.
Still I wanted my explanation, but she avoided me. It was probably because she knew everyone thought she was a complete moron for making such a weak, defeatist and poor decision. Her friends told me as much. I knew her parents and sisters would agree.
Wingman explained to me, after I had repeated my problems to him several times from many different angles, that she was avoiding me because she was ashamed and didn’t have an explanation. He told me that she was not the person that I wished she was. All these values I had attached to her, she was some of them, but she was not the girl I imagined her to be, so could not be expected to act like her. She had so many problems and wasn’t dealing with them. She wasn’t good enough for me.
He was right. She was so close to the girl I was after. She ticked so many boxes and after waiting so long I had ignored her faults and now I was suffering the consequences of lowering my standards.
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